[Two Pronged] Brother insisted on having late aunt buried on New 12 months’s Eve

‘My eldest brother organized all of it, so our aunt ‘will go together with the sound of trumpets — really, firecrackers — welcoming her house as she flies to Heaven.”

Expensive Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer:

Our Aunt Helen died on December 28 final 12 months. She was the one who took care of us when our dad and mom died. She was a single girl and raised all three of us as her personal. She was buried on December 31, 2025, at 11:30 pm. My eldest brother (Kuya Arnold) organized all of it, so our aunt “will go together with the sound of trumpets — really, firecrackers — welcoming her house as she flies to Heaven.”

My youthful brother (Philip) and I very a lot disagreed. We felt our aunt deserved a respectful, centered burial, and shouldn’t need to compete with the nation’s celebrating the brand new 12 months on this God-forsaken land the place nothing will ever change.

We tried to purpose with Kuya Arnold, however he insisted on his means. He’s paying for the whole lot, so he feels he has the proper to insist. Additionally, we had been taught to comply with him. All our different kin agree that he is aware of greatest as a result of he’s the eldest.

Kuya Arnold beloved this authority he had over us, for no different purpose than his being older. The extra upset Kuya Philip and I had been due to this, the extra he insisted we “respect” him. Once we bought older, we left my aunt’s place as quickly as we might afford it. I nonetheless stay in a rented home, however no less than I can select how I wish to stay. Identical with Kuya Philip. In actual fact, we had not seen my brother till my aunt’s loss of life. His habits simply confirms why it was greatest to keep away from him all this time.

Please inform us how you can cope with him.

– OLGA

Expensive Olga,

Thanks to your e mail.

Hierarchy and its calls for are as outdated as human society. Hierarchy pervades our social lives, our work lives, and certainly outlives us, e.g., primogeniture, the proper or customized whereby the firstborn (typically the male) inherits their dad and mom’ property and even their throne. It is vitally widespread right here within the Philippines, as your account illustrates.

Hierarchy is the pure order of issues in areas like authorities, the armed forces, and enterprise, however much less clearly within the household. After all, age is a vital issue when siblings are rising up — the older the sibling, the extra developed each bodily and mentally (typically). Nevertheless, the patterns of childhood are likely to persist into maturity, and deference/respect is incessantly an element governing household relationships from cradle to grave.

Your loved ones, Olga, seems to be no totally different to many others on this respect. Your elder brother Arnold revels in his position as the pinnacle of your loved ones, primarily based solely on the truth that he’s the firstborn, and certainly he’s supported on this by the remainder of your loved ones, besides to your aunt. 

To date, the way in which you and your youthful brother have handled that is to stay separate lives and have as little to do with Arnold as attainable. So far as we all know, this has labored out nicely for you each however now, together with your aunt’s loss of life, you face a united opposition with nobody to help you.

The most suitable choice due to this fact could also be to be pragmatic and acknowledge that this can be a battle you can’t win. Arnold has the household on his facet and the cash to hold out his plans. As an alternative, you and your youthful brother ought to honor your aunt in your individual means after which keep on as earlier than, protecting as a lot distance from Arnold as you presumably can.

Greatest needs,

JAFBaer

Expensive Olga,

Thanks very a lot to your letter. I’m so sorry about Kuya Arnold’s habits. I’m even sorrier that you just and your Kuya Philip needed to be pissed off another time due to his choices and his “antics,” particularly since he upset you at a time when coping with your aunt’s loss of life was tough sufficient.

I say this even when I don’t know what number of there have been and the way absurd they could have come throughout to you, however it appears like your Kuya’s deciding your aunt must be buried at 11:30 pm on December 31 is one in all them.

Additionally it is attainable that your Kuya Arnold purposely selected the time and date of the funeral as a result of he had a sense that is what would upset you most. This realization gained’t erase what occurred in 2025, however I hope it should assist you to have a look at his habits from one other perspective. Undoubtedly, his habits could be categorised as assh*le, i.e., since his selections appear to depend upon what response he can get out of you each. Nevertheless, his habits can also be pathetic, as he can not appear to select unbiased of you each.

You’d assume a mature particular person would select integrity, the inherent rightness of the state of affairs, and kindness as guides to his habits, quite than what would piss off his siblings most. In that sense, parang he appears extra kawawa (a determine to be pitied) than threatening.

Additionally it is attainable for grownup kids to behave the way in which they used to after they had been youthful. Was your brother a bully when he was youthful? Is it attainable that the grief you all skilled throughout your aunt’s cremation reactivated these outdated dynamics, reminding him (and also you) of unresolved childhood conflicts?

You and your brother have chosen to stay distant out of your brother due to his persona and household expectations. I hope his habits and your reactions affirm that you just made the most effective choice.  

Admittedly, this will likely appear small comfort at such a time, however reminding your self of this (and of his kawawa-ness) could ease somewhat of the aggravation you and your brother should still be experiencing.

All the most effective,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com